Season 8, Episode 2
Duncan: “Our beloved god-like and next-door-hero, Jack Bauer, is on his regular manhunt of the Arabs (they are simply too many of them). This time, he’s after Ahmed the Dead Terrorist whose killing jokes were proved a serious threat to humanity…”
Somewhere in the backstage, shortly after Ahmed’s act
Jack Bauer: Ahmed, you have to trust me and surrender! It’s not your fault that you were born a Muslim. Nobody’s perfect buddy…
Ahmed: Silence, I kill you…
Jack Bauer: Not if I kill you first!
Ahmed: I am already dead you moron!
Jack Bauer: Damn it!
Jack’s dialling his phone…
Jack Bauer: Chloe, we ‘re gonna need a plan b…
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Kiefer Sutherland: The following takes place between “not important pm” and “still not important pm”
Backstage area…
Jack Bauer: Have you got anything yet, Chloe?
Chloe (from CTU): I am working on it Jack…
Jack Bauer: C’ mon Chloe, we are running outta time. Why don’t you give me something, already? You are CTU’s best computer programmer!
Chloe: Are you kidding me? For 8 seasons now, I am just pushing random buttons and mumbling unexisting computer-science terms, waiting for the camera to get off of me!
Jack Bauer: What???
Chloe: C’mon Jack! Gimme a break! I mean, you have survived three nuclear strikes, you came back from the dead twice, you have recovered from at least a dozen gunshot wounds, you are 45 and you run like a 20-year-old boy and you still go to the missions without a helmet and a bullet-proof vest! So, lose the surprised look, already!
Jack Bauer: Whatever dude…
Chloe: I AM NOT A DUDE! Although, I have to admit that I look like one… Oh! Wait a sec! I think that the writer came up with a last minute back up plan! I am sending it to your PDA asap.
Jack Bauer: It was about ti… Damn it! (he means “Holy crap”, but cursing is not allowed in prime time television) What is this smell? Oh my God! I can’t breath! I think the Arabs are trying to poison me. Damn you Ahmed!
Chloe: What smell Jack? I don’t see anything in the satellite! I am afraid that you will have to describe the smell, if you want me to help you.
Jack Bauer: Ca… Can’t… Talk… it’s… Ki… lling me…
Chloe: JACK! Don’t give up now! You can do this Jack. Just tell me what is it like…
Jack Bauer: Smells… Li… Like… Pe… pepe… roni…
Chloe: Peperoni! Got it… I am gonna run a database search, using a quantized algorithm, in order to find the cause of this toxic smell…
Jack Bauer: Hu…Hu… rry…
Chloe: Don’t be such a baby! We both know that you will survive in the end!
Jack Bauer: I know. I am just trying to be a little melodramatic here. I mean, after 8 years of returning the series you have to do everything in order to keep your audience interested. It’s tough to make a popular show these days. So… he… help… me… pl… please!
Chloe: I see… Oh! Wait a minute! I think I came up with something. Omg! You ‘re not gonna like this!
Jack Bauer: What… is… it…?
Chloe: Our flawless analysis indicates that the source of the smell is 100% natural… This means that… I don’t really know how to express this… So, let me ask you this way: Who cut the cheese Jack?
Jack Bauer: Damn… it… !…
Chloe: Jack?
Jack Bauer: Must… have… been… me…
Chloe: What? It can’t be. There must be some other reasonable explanation!
Jack Bauer: No… Chloe… I… am… only… person… in… room…
Chloe: NOOOOOOOOOO!
Jack Bauer: Gotta… take… my… self… into… custody… I… jeopardized… mission…
Chloe: No Jack! You can’t do this! NO JACK! YOU CAN’T!
Jack Bauer: Watch… me…
