24: The Jack Bauer Chronicles (The unaired Episode 1)

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(Friendly notice: This one is just a filler episode. The real story starts at episode 2. So, for the sake of your mental health, you might as well skip the entire episode)

Season 8. Episode 1

Duncan: Due to unsolved reasons, FOX decided not to air this very first episode, of the best season, of the best TV series, of the best channel, of the best city, of the best state, of the best country in the world. But, don’t worry. There wasn’t really something new for you to see: The whole episode was about Ahmed the Dead Terrorist pissing Jack Bauer off, with some wet jokes of his. Or was it about Jack hating every single Arab in the world? Can’t really remember… Don’t matter though… You get the point:

(Short part from my illegal copy of the unaired Episode 1)

Jack Bauer: Must… Kill… Ahmed…

(End of the short part from my illegal copy of the unaired Episode 1)

Duncan: Rumour has it, that – after I got my illegal copy – the tape was confiscated and destroyed by Jack Bauer himself, because the make up artists, failed to make him look like he was 20 years younger. Needless to say, that the entire crew was fired, to be replaced by that of Benjamin Button’s.

Jack Bauer: What? That’s a terrible lie! How dare you Duncan? You son of a bitch! You are so dead right now…

Duncan: Cut the crap Jack. You can’t touch me. I’m the writer…

Jack Bauer: Just say your prayer you m**********r!

Duncan: Don’t mess with the writer Jack!

Jack Bauer: F*** Y**! Three… Two… One…

Duncan: Ok! You asked for it. Don’t say I didn’t warn you…

Jack Bauer: Hi everyone! My name is Minty Jackie Bauer and in my spare time, I like to seduce handsome boys with those prissy pink lacy panties of mine! Also, Chuck Norris beats me at knitting…

Jack Bauer’s thoughts: WTF? Nobody beats me at anything!

Duncan: As I said… Never, ever, ever, mess with the writer again, Jack…

Jack Bauer: Damn it!

Duncan: Where was I? Oh yeah… No episode for you folks tonight! Capiche?

Audience: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Chuck Norris: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

to be continued…