24: The Jack Bauer Chronicles (Episode 2)

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Season 8, Episode 2

Previously on 24…

Duncan: «Our beloved god-like and next-door-hero, Jack Bauer, is on his regular manhunt of the Arabs (they are simply too many of them). This time, he’s after Ahmed the Dead Terrorist whose killing jokes were proved a serious threat to humanity…»

Somewhere in the backstage, shortly after Ahmed’s act

Jack Bauer: Ahmed, you have to trust me and surrender! It’s not your fault that you were born a Muslim. Nobody’s perfect buddy…

Ahmed: Silence, I kill you…

Jack Bauer: Not if I kill you first!

Ahmed: I am already dead you moron!

Jack Bauer: Damn it!

Jack’s dialling his phone…

Jack Bauer: Chloe, we ‘re gonna need a plan b…

————————————————————————————

Kiefer Sutherland: The following takes place between «not important pm» and «still not important pm»

Backstage area…

Jack Bauer: Have you got anything yet, Chloe?

Chloe (from CTU): I am working on it Jack…

Jack Bauer: C’ mon Chloe, we are running outta time. Why don’t you give me something, already? You are CTU’s best computer programmer!

Chloe: Are you kidding me? For 8 seasons now, I am just pushing random buttons and mumbling unexisting computer-science terms, waiting for the camera to get off of me!

Jack Bauer: What???

Chloe: C’mon Jack! Gimme a break! I mean, you have survived three nuclear strikes, you came back from the dead twice, you have recovered from at least a dozen gunshot wounds, you are 45 and you run like a 20-year-old boy and you still go to the missions without a helmet and a bullet-proof vest! So, lose the surprised look, already!

Jack Bauer: Whatever dude…

Chloe: I AM NOT A DUDE! Although, I have to admit that I look like one… Oh! Wait a sec! I think that the writer came up with a last minute back up plan! I am sending it to your PDA asap.

Jack Bauer: It was about ti… Damn it! (he means «Holy crap», but cursing is not allowed in prime time television) What is this smell? Oh my God! I can’t breath! I think the Arabs are trying to poison me. Damn you Ahmed!

Chloe: What smell Jack? I don’t see anything in the satellite! I am afraid that you will have to describe the smell, if you want me to help you.

Jack Bauer: Ca… Can’t… Talk… it’s… Ki… lling me…

Chloe: JACK! Don’t give up now! You can do this Jack. Just tell me what is it like…

Jack Bauer: Smells… Li… Like… Pe… pepe… roni…

Chloe: Peperoni! Got it… I am gonna run a database search, using a quantized algorithm, in order to find the cause of this toxic smell…

Jack Bauer: Hu…Hu… rry…

Chloe: Don’t be such a baby! We both know that you will survive in the end!

Jack Bauer: I know. I am just trying to be a little melodramatic here. I mean, after 8 years of returning the series you have to do everything in order to keep your audience interested. It’s tough to make a popular show these days. So… he… help… me… pl… please!

Chloe: I see… Oh! Wait a minute! I think I came up with something. Omg! You ‘re not gonna like this!

Jack Bauer: What… is… it…?

Chloe: Our flawless analysis indicates that the source of the smell is 100% natural… This means that… I don’t really know how to express this… So, let me ask you this way: Who cut the cheese Jack?

Jack Bauer: Damn… it… !…

Chloe: Jack?

Jack Bauer: Must… have… been… me…

Chloe: What? It can’t be. There must be some other reasonable explanation!

Jack Bauer: No… Chloe… I… am… only… person… in… room…

Chloe: NOOOOOOOOOO!

Jack Bauer: Gotta… take… my… self… into… custody… I… jeopardized… mission…

Chloe: No Jack! You can’t do this! NO JACK! YOU CAN’T!

Jack Bauer: Watch… me…

to be continued…

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