24: The Jack Bauer Chronicles (Episode 4)

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(Previously…)

Season 8, Episode 4

Very previously on 24…

Jack Bauer: Ca… Can’t… Talk… it’s… Ki… lling me…

Chloe: JACK! Don’t give up now! You can do this Jack. Just tell me what is it like…

Jack Bauer: Smells… Li… Like… Pe… pepe… roni…

Chloe: Peperoni! Got it… I am gonna run a database search, using a quantized algorithm, in order to find the cause of this toxic smell…

Jack Bauer: Hu…Hu… rry…

Chloe: Our flawless analysis indicates that the source of the smell is 100% natural… This means that… I don’t really know how to express this… So, let me ask you this way: Who cut the cheese Jack?

Jack Bauer: Must… have… been… me…

Chloe: NOOOOOOOOOO!

Jack Bauer: Gotta… take… my… self… into… custody… I… jeopardized… mission…

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Kiefer Sutherland: The following takes place between «before the dawn of time pm» and «after the dawn of time pm»

Back in CTU

Untalented Vietnamese Actor Playing A Random Agent (Uvapara): Yo Bill, do you have a sec?

Bill Buchanan: Not right now, I am talking to this fake phone. I want to seem busy…

Uvapara: This is an emergency dog!

Bill Buchanan: (Still talking on the phone…) Ok Mr. President! We know that you are incompetent and that you can’t solve the case without us. Don’t worry! We won’t let you down. Jack’s on fire these days. (…and he hangs up)

Uvapara: Actually, it’s not him who’s on fire…

Bill Buchanan: What do you mean Uvapara?

Uvapara: I’ m tellin’ you dude… He should quit on that junk food he’s been eating lately. His ass can sing our national anthem, nowadays.

Bill Buchanan: What happened?

Uvapara: What do you thing it happened? He messed up again, because we are still at the beginning of the season. It’s way toο early to complete the mission.

Bill Buchanan: Don’t be too abstract Uvapara, I need details.

Uvapara: OK! You asked for it: While he was about to capture Ahmed the Dead Terrorist he infused the air with his own smelly gas. And this is great Jack’s farting we are talking about. Not even he can take it. So he…

Bill Buchanan: Ok ok stop it! I get the picture… And where is he now?

Uvapara: He took himself into custody for jeopardizing the mission. As a matter of fact, he’s on his way to CTU right now.

Bill Buchanan: This is so Jack Bauer! But if you ask me, I think that Jack is a jack for arresting himself. Of course, nobody gives a s**t on what I think. In this office, the «chain of command» was always super-loose. Anyway, what’s his ETA?

Uvapara: C’mon Bill. We both know that there is no such thing as an ETA. He will conveniently appear when our chat ends. And when it does, he will probably enter the scene, interrupting my last sentence in order to make it look more realist…

Jack Bauer: Ok! Attention on me now! I am back…

Chloe: Jack you are back! Look at me! I am happy but nobody can really tell because I am a terrible actress and I can only make one face… (this one —-> :-I)

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Jack Bauer: Chloe, Bill, Random Guy, I failed you all…

Chloe: No Jack! Don’t say that! You would nev… Oh my God! What’s that smell?

Jack Bauer: I know…

Bill Buchanan: (holding his nose) Hi Jack! Even though this is like the 5th time you come handcuffed in CTU, I still have to give you the cheesy line: «I am sorry Jack, but I have to do my job»

Jack Bauer: I understand. I always do…

Bill Buchanan: I am sorry Jack, but I have to do my job.

Jack Bauer: No worries Bill. Do what you have to do…

Bill Buchanan: I will be honest with you Jack. In your condition you are a threat to everybody: CTU, the mission, Audrey, yourself and almost to Ahmed the Dead Terrorist. For the latter, we could use you as a weapon but I am afraid you will kill us all, before you even get close to him. So, I guess you leave me no choice…

Jack Bauer: Hit it Bill. You know there is nothing I can’t take.

Bill Buchanan: Save your words my old friend. This one is bad. Really bad! There is only one place in the world as cocky and as chaotic as you. Only one place where people fart more than you do. Only one place with more crazy motherf****rs than you could ever dream of. And this is exactly where you going. Jack you are being expelled to Greece!

Jack Bauer: WHAT? NOOOOOOOOO!

to be continued…