24: The Jack Bauer Chronicles (Episode 5)

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Season 8, Episode 5

Previously on 24…

Bill Buchanan: Jack’s on fire these days.

Uvapara: Actually, it’s not he, who’s on fire…

Bill Buchanan: What happened?

Uvapara: …he infused the air with his own smelly gas…

Bill Buchanan: And where is he now?

Uvapara: He took himself into custody for jeopardizing the mission.

Jack Bauer: Ok! Attention on me now! I am back…

Bill Buchanan: I am sorry Jack, but I have to do my job.

Jack Bauer: Hit it Bill. You know there is nothing I can’t take.

Bill Buchanan: Jack you are being expelled to Greece!

————————————————————————————

Kiefer Sutherland: The following, takes place betw…

Duncan: Hold on Kiefer! This one is the “Olympic Airways” episode!

Kiefer Sutherland: The what?

Duncan: You know… The one with the Greek Airlines… Which takes place inside the Greek Boeing… The one which is responsible for Jack’s safe flight to Greece… (Big fake laughs)

Kiefer Sutherland: Oh! You mean the guys who never depart or arrive on time?

Duncan: Exactly!

Kiefer Sutherland: Gotcha! Don’t worry though, I think I‘ve got it under control…

Duncan: Glad to hear that…

————————————————————————————

Kiefer Sutherland: The following, takes place somewhere in the timespace…

Inside Jack’s brand old Greek plane…

Pilot: We are about to take off from LAX. The weather is blah blah blah. Please, fasten your blah blah blah. Well, you know the rest. Oh! I almost forgot! We will be in Greece in about… Well… Who am I kidding? I don’t have a clue when. You can place your bets about our arrival, on our old and unattractive, male flight-attendants. If you have any further questions, please don’t hesitate to ask. We will ignore you anyway… Have a wonderful flight, and thanks for making the same mistake and flying with us again!

Jack Bauer: Great! My direct flight to hell has begun… Wait a minute! What am I doing? No! No! They won’t break me. I need to focus. I can do this. I’m Jack Bauer! Yes! That’s it… I just need to take a deep breath. I also need to see the bright side here: It can’t get any worse than that!

Anaximandros: Hi! My name is Anaximandros and as you can clearly see, I am your adjacent passenger. And since it’s highly unlikely you’ll ever see me again, it’s a great opportunity to start acting like a major pain in the ass, by opening my heart to you and talking ceaselessly about my problems for the entire flight!

Jack Bauer: Oh c’mon!

(After several hours)

Anaximandros: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, bitch, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, crazy bitch, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, bitch’s sister, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, bitch (the sister not the crazy one)…

Jack Bauer: I will never say “It can’t get any worse”, again. I will never say “It can’t get any worse”, again. I will never say “It can’t get any worse”, again. I will never say “It can’t get any worse”, again…

Moufa (Male Old Unattractive Flight-Attendant): Lunch time!

Jack Bauer: About time…

Moufa: Do you prefer the chicken or the beef, sir?

Jack Bauer: Don’t know… Which one is better?

Moufa: They both suck, sir! Chicken will give you dysentery, and the beef diarrhea…

Jack Bauer: I‘ll go with the diarrhea then…

Jack’s evil thoughts: Hahaha! This one will buy me a ticket to the restrooms, away from this loony. A ticket to freedom! In your face, Greek wacko… Jack you‘re a genius!

Jack’s other thoughts: I know…

Moufa: What about you, sir?

Anaximandros: I’m having what he’s having…

Moufa: Certainly, sir…

(A couple of nanoseconds later…)

Jack’s evil thoughts: My evil plan is working… WTF did they put in that beef, anyway?

Jack Bauer: Excuse me Anaximandros, but you have to get up. I need to go to the restroom…

Anaximandros: But… You are sitting by the aisle!

Jack Bauer: I know. You hear that WRITER? By the aisle! Someone would expect that the great Jack Bauer would sit by the window. But no! I have to sit by the aisle!

(After some more grouching, he finally went to the restroom, where several minutes later…)

Sound effects: Knock Knock!

Jack Bauer: Occupied!

Anaximandros: Hey Jack, it’s me! Diarrhea is a bitch bro. Believe me, I know! Been there… In fact, I‘ve taken this plane so many times, that I am already immune to it. I’m tellin’ you… You won’t leave the bathroom before landing… But, don’t you worry! I’ll keep you company till then…

Jack Bauer: NOOOOOOOO!

to be continued…

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