24: The Jack Bauer Chronicles (Episode 7)


Season 8, Episode 7

Previously on 24…

(Inside and outside Jack’s restroom)

Jack Bauer’s voice (from inside the restroom): SHUT THE F**K UP!

Anaximandros: Yeah! Exactly like this, but 207 times!

Jack Bauer: Ok, that’s it! I’m out of here!

Jack’s large intestine: Not so fast!

(A few arguments later…)

Jack’s large intestine: So, how do you plan to escape now? I mean, this place has only paper and soap…

Jack Bauer: Works for me…

Bathroom’s ceiling: NOOOOOOOOO!


Kiefer Sutherland: The following, takes place between “episode 6” pm and “episode 8” pm…

Duncan: Do you mean during “episode 7” pm?

Kiefer Sutherland: No! I mean what I just said…

Duncan: And what’s the difference?

Kiefer Sutherland: You, interrupting…

(Outside Jack’s bathroom)

Anaximandros: Hey buddy, how are you holding up in there? You’re pretty silent. Are you ok?

(A split-second later…)

Anaximandros: Jack? Can you hear me? It’s been already two episodes since the last time I saw you! Do you know how long that is? And don’t start giving me that crap about events happening in real time…

Duncan: Ok, that’s enough!

Anaximandros: What?

Duncan: The cursing of course! What exactly are you trying to prove? Your high level of coolness? Give me break! You sound like a phony gangster. And on top of that you are disgusting! You’re embarrassing yourself…

Anaximandros: But you let us do a lot of cursing during the last episode!

Duncan: That was an exception. After all, how can you write an episode about a guy who has diarrhea and talks to his intestine while defecating, without using one of the words: shit, crap, turd, stool, or even poop?

Anaximandros: Yikes dude! What’s wrong with you? Are you trying to make us all puke? And by the way, what’s the deal today? Are you gonna keep showing and messing up with the script, just to do your thing? Let us do our jobs!

Duncan: Yeah… I suppose you are right. I guess I’ll have to find a better way to interfere. Dismissed! You can go back to whatever you were not doing…

(Still outside Jack’s bathroom)

Anaximandros: Jack? Jack?? Answer me man! Jack?? JACK??? Where the fuck are you?

Random parent with a kid, who cares enough to make a scene: Watch your mouth young man! Some of us have kids in the plane. You can’t talk like that in front of them…

Anaximandros: Damn you Duncan…

Random parent with a kid, who cares enough to make a scene: What did I just say about your language? Are you trying to make me angry?

Anaximandros: What is your problem old man? I said “Damn” for Christ sakes. I didn’t say that ‘your kid is a first class moron’! Get over it!

Sound effect: The kid starts crying

Wife of the random parent with the kid, who cared enough to make a scene: That’s it! Now you deal with me, you son of a BiTcH!

Anaximandros: Oh shit!

(Meanwhile, above the bathroom, somewhere in the plane…)

Jack Bauer: Be patient Jack! Five more screws and you are out of here! By opening this hole in the plane, you are opening a window to your sanity. You can do this!

(Five screws later…)

Jack Bauer: Damn it! There was another metallic surface behind the one I was unbolting! OK! Never mind! Focus Jack! 100 more screws and you are out of here. Thank God you didn’t cut your nails this morning. No wait… What am I saying? Thank me I didn’t cut my nails this morning! That’s it! I can do this! I CAN DO THIS! I am Jack Bauer!

Jack Bauer’s other self: I can’t hear you!

Jack Bauer: I am Jack Bauer…

Jack Bauer’s other self: I still can’t hear you!

Jack Bauer: I Am JaCk BaUeR!

Jack Bauer’s other self: I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Jack Bauer: I AM JACK BAUER!!

Random couple: Will you SHUT up? We are trying to have SEX over here!

(101 screws later…)

Jack Bauer: Finally! All the screws are gone. All I have to do now is to push this slate out, and I will be free in a second. Fortunately, I go nowhere without my pocket parachute …

Jack Bauer’s other self: Dude, this slate looks heavy, are you sure you can push it by yourself?

Jack Bauer: What kind of question is this? Of course I am! I am Jack Bauer, remember?

(One push and a couple of farts later…)

Jack Bauer: I did it! I am fr… Wait a minute! This is not the Atlantic Ocean! This is still LAX! What the hell? I am either hallucinating or we haven’t taken off the whole time! Is this a joke? What the deuce?

(Jack’s phone starts ringing…)

Jack Bauer: Hello?

Stewie Griffin: Hi! Stewie Griffin here! I’ve been watching the show from TV and I wanted to tell you this: STOP STEALING MY LINES YOU BASTARD! If you still care for your life, of course…

Jack Bauer: What?

Stewie Griffin: “What the deuce” is my catching phrase! Everybody knows that! And this was my last warning… There is also something else I wanted to share: You’ve been FOOLED, smartass!

Jack Bauer: Wha…? What do you mean?

Stewie Griffin: The trip was fake, stupid! CTU planned the whole thing to test your preparedness and to force you clean your intestine! How could you not tell?

Jack Bauer: What are you talking about?

Stewie Griffin: Think of all the evidence you moron: You were given a seat by the aisle, you suffered food poisoning, you spent most of your trip in the bathroom and your adjacent passenger – who btw never left you out of sight – was proved to be a Rubik’s cube champion! I mean c’mon! Wake up Jack… The guy was a CTU agent!

Jack Bauer: You are bluffing!

Stewie Griffin: Are you retarded or something? Why would I do that? Anyway… You need proof? Fine! Look outside the window! Do you see someone who looks like Bill Buchanan? Yes? Yes? That’s because HE IS, jackass! He’s STILL conducting the whole operation for crying out loud!


Stewie Griffin: Exactly! That was the reaction I was looking for. Thanks for playing with me… Bye!

to be continued…